Fragile

I am very fragile today.  My mom died two weeks ago today.  In fact in 32 min it will be the exact time.  We buried her last Friday.  I have been home for 3 days.  The first day was consumed with caring for my husband who hurt his back last week.

The second day I slept a total of 14 hours.  I was in a funk.  Read and stayed on couch and napped all day.

Today, the third day I decided to go out. To the bank and to the store.  I was out of my comfort zone.  I felt very vulnerable.  I was shaking. I couldn’t talk without quivering.

I came home and got my bearings.  I was preparing to take my husband back to the doctor when I wanted to reach out to a dear friend.  His info was gone.  It was just there a few days ago.  It has been there for years.  I had a feeling of loss overwhelm me. I was scared.  All of the familiar things are no longer.

I feel so fragile.

 

 

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Today I buried my mom

I buried my mom today.  It was my final farewell in the physical form.  I have no doubt that she will be with me forever.  We have already received messages from her this week.

It was a beautiful service.  It went as planned.  My nieces husband leading us through the flow of the service.  He was wonderful.  He offered himself with all vulnerability. He spoke from his heart.  He recognized my mom, Momma Pat to him, in such a loving and respectful way.

I read what I had written and it went pretty well. There were a lot of people there. Mostly family.  I didn’t realize how large our family was.

 

 

 

Wednesday

How can you possibly cram so many emotions into one day?

Part I

Shock  Focused –

Today would be the first day for viewing at the Funeral Home.  A few weeks ago, actually a few days ago, I would have never made that statement with such apathy.

We wanted to set up a tribute with pictures and memories of a fulfilled life.

I went from not finding any pictures to finding them in a sequence that could only have been planned by, well, my mother. I first pulled the best, then did a second selection.  I made copies. I sorted them out by families, events, activities.  I searched for cute ones, pretty ones, serious and loving ones.

I wasn’t sure how it would all come together, but I had an idea.  I made colleges on two large presentation boards. I framed significant photos and created a friendship page.  I chose a few of favorite trinkets. Her book she was reading. She loved her books.

I suddenly knew I needed something. I wasn’t sure what it would be, but I would know it when I saw it.  I first thought a scarf, but when I opened the first cabinet – I saw it. A pink runner with lace.  It was perfect.

Part II

Determined –

My level of energy today is out the window!  I am so wound up.

I had an urge to go set up everything sooner than we planned and I am so glad I did.  It gave me a chance to spend some time with mom before everyone got there.  I want to say it gave me extra time to “figure it out”    I really didn’t need extra time.  It fell into place immediately.  I was amazed and it was beautiful.

Thinking of others –

My Niece, daughter and I made a trip to the hospital to drop off a thank you gift to the nursing staff.  A chocolate cake!   We had been so connected to them for 14 days.

The night proceeded.  Mostly family came.  Tensions were high.

Part III

Anger  Hurt  Resentment –

This day was especially hard for some. It was also my sister’s birthday.  I didn’t really think about it, although I spent many hours over the week thinking about the fact that neither my sister or brother were there.

My sister’s daughter was, though.  My niece, my mom’s granddaughter – The first granddaughter in fact.   She is our shining light in the family. This sweet girl has been through more than most people ever experience.  And here she was again having to be the strong one for others when in fact she should have had her mother there consoling her.  Momma Pat, as she knew her grandmother was more than a grandparent.  She was a mother, a friend and the most stable person she has had in her life since she was born.  This is a huge loss for her as well.  It will never be the same.

Part IV 

Concern –

A big storm blew through.  It made the early evening look like late night. Thunder, lightning and hail had us worried.   As the storm subsided, it was evident by the sun that it was still daylight outside. Everyone made their way to cars to get home safely.  Just our family, My step dad, husband, daughter, niece, her husband and daughter stayed behind.

We soon decided to leave.

Part V

Peace –

What we would see would touch our heart and comfort us.

A Rainbow framing the Funeral Home.  As we stepped outside it was a perfect picture.

 

It was an emotional night – because it was the first night.