and here I am again. One week later, it has now been 21 days since my mom’s funeral, more importantly, is it has been 4 weeks,  FOUR weeks since she left.

Part of me keeps thinking it was just yesterday and  then suddenly I hit the wall as if it just happened or more, I am reminded that this is not going to end.  There are specific things that will happen in my life that will not include my mom.  Life events that SHE should be at.

My daughter’s graduation, my daughters 19th birthday.  But little things like, she cannot see the adorable graduation announcement that Natalie made and she included a picture that was taken and sent to her grandmother, my mom.  It sits in a frame in her house as I type.

I am feeling more anger and irritation than anything.  I feel so selfish.

There are so many wonderful things in my life right now. I am making an extra effort to see them.  My sweet baby girl is graduating from high school.  She looked absolutely stunning at her prom last week.  She is turning 19 in just two weeks.  I have a new job that appears a great fit.

I just cannot quit thinking that I am pissed that I do not have more time for myself.   but I’m not sure I really want more time.  I do not want to miss these last milestones of my daughter.

I think I have this vision of what grieving is should be. Even though I have probably read more and researched more about grieving and loss than the average.  You see through coping with my depression/hypomania, I study human behavior and how the brain reacts to certain stresses, major life events. Of course, I have never experienced it! (haha as life laughs at me)

It is confusing.   It is exhausting.   It is smothering me.

I am not sure what I want.

Other than to wake up and find out this is all a terrible nightmare.

I want my mother back.  I know, I know.  Don’t even go there with me.

I am grateful for so much.  Especially that she didn’t suffer or be stuck in a nursing home.