Spring is in the air in my part of the country. Fresh air, blue skies, blooming trees and the inevitable Bluebonnets ~ yes I am in Texas. We fight giving up winter here in the Lone Star State because it is such a brief moment. Sure, there are many that could do without any temperatures under 70 degrees. Contrary to belief many native Texans do enjoy a different season now and them – because they are so rare, and we know what is down the road … 100 plus temperatures that will make your curl up into a sweaty little ball.
This year found me digging my winter boots into the pavement resisting the onset of spring. I wanted just a little bit more of the cold. I feel safe and secure during the winter months. Like a perpetual hug.
While the change of seasons is many times met with excitement and anticipation, sometimes it is a hard transition. Like after a grand event such as a party you’ve planned for or a big celebration, you have a huge drop in adrenaline and it leaves you exhausted or disappointed.
Whether aware or not many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
This is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons. It is most commonly known as people getting the “blues” during the winter months because they are homebound more than usual and the lack of sunshine causes a deficiency in vitamin D. A few people are affected when the seasons change from winter to spring. Maybe because their defense system has been suppressed so long (regardless of how long that could be in your southern state like mine).
The seasonal change from winter to spring is one of my triggers.
This was a very hard week for me. I have all of the triggers to bring on anxiety, depression, feelings of lack and unworthiness. I knew it was coming. I always do. Unfortunately, it is not until I hit the wall so to speak that I look back and say “oh, yes, I saw it coming”.
Yesterday, March 3, 2016 particularly was very difficult, a very hard day. I could not quit crying. I really could not see beyond the grief I was feeling. Grief for the life I have longed for that seems to keep laughing in my face. Grief for the obstacles that continue to repeat themselves in my life since my early 20’s. I try so hard but just can’t seem to get it right.
I feel so isolated because I do not have a partner in life that will share with me. Share the good. the bad, the dreams the goals. the successes or the disappointments. Oh, I do have a partner, a spouse, but we are not on the same wavelength. Not at all. These are all true facts. These things alone would make any person sad or depressed or angry. Unfortunately, on top of it all, I do have a depressive disorder. I am Bipolar.
It is triggered by the many factors mentioned. One being the season. Crazy as it may be, the new onset of a beautiful season, known as renewal and new life, in fact pushes me over the edge.
I have no idea why. But it does happen. I hate it. This year is particularly hard because there are many factors. I am unemployed. I am in debt. I am still searching for that life I long for.
It was a very rough day. Fortunately between a good friend and the responsibility I have towards keeping my word to people, I pushed through it and actually came out on the other side.
The other side being the ability to wake up one more day.