Written November 9, 2014

For the past 3-4 weeks I’ve really been battling.  That’s my code for being out of sync. My code to describe the fact that the disease has taken a hold of me.  A friend of mine always says “lions and tigers are coming at me. It took me sometime to figure out those were her depressive times.

During this episode (“hey tune in for the latest episode of my distorted thinking”)  I have been sluggish, I have many physical problems. My body is sore to touch. Slow digestive system.  I cannot get motivated. I have erratic thinking and short burst of anger.

I start to talk and words don’t come out.  These are all of the little physical signs.

I am anxious, disorganized. Knowing I need to do things such as clean, de-clutter, organize is so overwhelming. Yet, I want it so bad.  I NEED it so bad.  It is like oxygen to me. I know I would function better with it.like EXERCISE.  We all know how important it is. We literally need it to survive. we know we will feel better, have more energy, eat better sleep better and more. My body screams for it. But I cannot get myself up to even cross the room.

It is such a vicious cycle.

I am very shaken by Robin Williams death. I almost have to keep saying it because it is so hard to believe. I don’t want to forget. Right now I feel like he is my life line.   It is always sad to hear of someone taking their life. I always think of their family and friends.  But I cannot quit thinking of Robin himself.   The pain he was in. The void he felt. The mind message he was receiving.  I know exactly how he felt.

When certain Mind Messages come to you (and it’s not always about suicide) but it IS always a distortion of thinking. You have no control over it. It is very much like another voice another person that has taken control of your brain.  It is so hard to explain. However I have met a couple of people who have experienced it and they know exactly what I mean.  I totally understand how Robin felt!  I have felt the exact same pain he did when he made that final decision. I have screamed out 100’s of times – literally and through actions in my 40+ years.

You hear people say “but they had so many people around them, how did no one see it coming?!?!”  It’s strange because so many times people do know, but at the same time they don’t think anything is wrong or that they should be concerned.

It blindsides everyone.  Even the victim.