The clock has just ticked away ….

Hi there, remember me?  The one that was blubbering all over the place about my heartbreaks, heartaches, injustice and questioning ever stinking thing that came my way.  Well, I am still here.  I have continued to question, and protest and accept and wonder.

It is February 28, 2017 – It has been a long time since I posted.  Oh, I have been writing, ALOT. Anyone who knows me will tell you I carry a notebook / journal with me all the time. Just in case!  It is the only thing that keeps me sane.

My journey has been an interesting one, to say the least.  The analogy they use about grief and how it is a wave that comes and knocks you down, is very true.  My waves are less frequent now, but they are tsunamis when they hit.

I have had some very interesting and profound things happen over the past several months.  As I prepare for these next several weeks that will be forever be etched in time, I will reflect and share …. guess that means I need to go find those journals.

Until then….

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That Wasn’t Me

That Wasn’t Me

By Brandi Carlile

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I’ve got something to say
I’m not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you’ve changed

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me

When you’re lost you will toss every lucky coin you’ll ever trust
And you’ll hide from your god like he never turns his back on us
And you’ll fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you’ll learn who you are even if it doesn’t take your life

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me

But I want you to know that you’ll never be alone
I wanna believe do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that’s what you see, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

Songwriters: BRANDI M. CARLILE, PHILLIP JOHN HANSEROTH, TIMOTHY JAY HANSEROTH
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

whoa, wait what happened?

I hate this.     A good, relaxing morning and then bam!

Mood Swing!  I was immediately irritated that my family was coming at me in all directions wanting, needing my attention.    Isnt that what I really want is to feel needed and loved?  Why am I so irritated.

Mood swing.  Suddenly my mood is very dark. Everything irritates me. I just want to scream and go away.  Please help me!!!  I ran to the computer to get these thoughts down.

I start to cook dinner and I’m crazy.  Pushing through it, I finally pour myself a glass of wine.

I feel better.   What does that say?

Been a couple of hours and just like that, I’m fine.  Only trying to recover what I lost during that episode.

as they say …..

As they say …. life marches on.   Give it some time. You have to move on.  Gotta get back on that horse.

It has been 3 weeks since I wrote.  Wow, seems longer.  21 days that is a while.  There is that number of 7 again.

well so much has happened.  The last post told you about my mom’s neighbor who had passed.  Very sad.

On the 24th I told my family I would not be texting the following day.  I just wanted to feel the day. Take in what thoughts and feelings I had.  It was

April 25th,  I just wanted to feel the day. Take in what thoughts and feelings I had.  It was after all, it’s mom’s day.  HER Birthday!

It was a pretty good day.  It was different.

 

I cried today

I cried today, I am not sure I was crying for the loss of my mother, yet I am sure it was connected.

You see, her neighbor had been diagnosed a few months ago, a few months ago when my mom was healthy and going on with her life, this woman was diagnosed with brain cancer and it was inoperable.  They told her to go home or go to hospice.  She was walking, talking and living her life.

Just move to hospice?  To wait and die?   I don’t think so.

So this neighbor, Anne, would stay in her home. She would live her life.  Sure there were days that she wasn’t herself.  She had headaches, she was tired.  She was angry.  After all, she had truly been given a death sentence.

Her daughter moved in with her and her father.  They continue their days.  A few weeks ago, when my mom died.  It was said that the husband would come to pay his respects but that Anne refused to come into the funeral home.  She would come but would sit in the car. After all, it would be hard to be in a place that she herself would most likely be in sooner, than later.

The time came and the husband, Anne and her daughter came.  Anne decided that  NO! she would not wait in the car. She wanted to see my mom and pay her respects and say her goodbyes.  After all, they had been neighbors and somewhat friends for nearly 30 years.

She came. She was in a wheelchair.  If you didn’t know, you might not suspect how sick she was.  As I saw them make their way to the front of the chapel, I thought it only proper that I say hello.  As I reached to introduce myself and accept a hug from her daughter,  I saw Anne.  Sitting so pretty, so sweet and so devasted over my mom.

She sat just a few feet from my mom’s casket. She was visibly shaken.  She was quite but tears streamed down her face.  She looked like a child sitting there.  You knew immediately that not only was she sad but she was scared.  My heart broke. It was really the first time I had actually met her.  I remember saying “oh honey, it’s going to be ok”  I felt I needed to let her know she would be ok. Yes, she too would be where my mom was but she too would be surrounded by those who loved her.

I felt an immediate connection to her.

The days continued with our farewell to my mom.  Three days later as I was loading my car to leave, it was a familiar sight to see the neighbor, Richard in his yard.   A usual wave would be all that was needed. Today was different.

As I looked across the street to their house, I saw Anne and Richard sitting just inside the door of the garage.  I immediately went over.  I thanked her for coming to see my mom and told her how much it meant to me. I told her how my mom spoke of her often.  She listened intently.  Her eyes welled up.

I gave her a hug.  I offered a hug to Richard, who has known me for years.  He didn’t budge.  Get up I told him and give me a hug.  Anne responded, “Listen to her, don’t be so stubborn”   Hard to believe that this was a woman who would be gone in 3 weeks.  Yes. She is gone.   Before I left, I told her I would be back in a month.  She repeated my words then added “Ok” .

I walked back to my car knowing it was possibly the last time I would see her.

Just 3 days ago, she was out again sitting on her driveway.  She visited with Chuck (mom’s husband) and their dog.  She came across the street in her wheelchair admiring the flowers of another neighbor.

Today I received the news around 2:50 pm that Anne had taken a turn for the worse and was being moved to Hospice. She was unresponsive.

At 7:19pm, I received a message that she had died after going into Hospice this evening.

The heartbreak continues.

 

 

 

evidently my brain is processing by numbers of 7

and here I am again. One week later, it has now been 21 days since my mom’s funeral, more importantly, is it has been 4 weeks,  FOUR weeks since she left.

Part of me keeps thinking it was just yesterday and  then suddenly I hit the wall as if it just happened or more, I am reminded that this is not going to end.  There are specific things that will happen in my life that will not include my mom.  Life events that SHE should be at.

My daughter’s graduation, my daughters 19th birthday.  But little things like, she cannot see the adorable graduation announcement that Natalie made and she included a picture that was taken and sent to her grandmother, my mom.  It sits in a frame in her house as I type.

I am feeling more anger and irritation than anything.  I feel so selfish.

There are so many wonderful things in my life right now. I am making an extra effort to see them.  My sweet baby girl is graduating from high school.  She looked absolutely stunning at her prom last week.  She is turning 19 in just two weeks.  I have a new job that appears a great fit.

I just cannot quit thinking that I am pissed that I do not have more time for myself.   but I’m not sure I really want more time.  I do not want to miss these last milestones of my daughter.

I think I have this vision of what grieving is should be. Even though I have probably read more and researched more about grieving and loss than the average.  You see through coping with my depression/hypomania, I study human behavior and how the brain reacts to certain stresses, major life events. Of course, I have never experienced it! (haha as life laughs at me)

It is confusing.   It is exhausting.   It is smothering me.

I am not sure what I want.

Other than to wake up and find out this is all a terrible nightmare.

I want my mother back.  I know, I know.  Don’t even go there with me.

I am grateful for so much.  Especially that she didn’t suffer or be stuck in a nursing home.

Peace.

 

 

 

I

 

What do I do with my heart

I entered this title a few months ago when I had an episode with my depression.  It then spoke to me again when Eagles Glen Frey suddenly passed away.  I just felt like I had a hole in my heart.  I felt like I had lost a loved one.  I was very shaken by the news.

Never would I dream that that was possibly preparing me for the biggest heartbreak yet.

I am forever changed.  I have lost my mother.

What do I do with my heart?